Relaxation is Important

by Patty Fleener M.S.W.

These are skills that do not always come naturally and if we have forgotten them, we need to re-acquire them.

This page is dedicated to stress-reduction. It is about learning to have fun and relax. Many of us keep ourselves very busy just getting through our constant dysphoria. We are not only busy people in that aspect but many of us have forgotten how to have fun and relax when we are able to. This is vital to our recovery and helps to fill our cup. We deserve this, need this and with practice, we can call upon these skills when needed.

Let's work on this now...

Here is my list:

1) Make sure you are taking all the medications at the correct times prescribed by your physician.

2) Did you learn Lamaze before giving birth to a child? Part of the Lamaze program is learning how to do slow deep breathing. Count to ten slowly while are slowly breathing air in (mouth closed, chest raising with air inhaled). Hold for a second or two and slowly breathe out to the count of ten at the same rate (mouth open, chest falling). It is helpful to do this while your eyes are closed and to imagine a safe place, a relaxing place. Imagine you are there. Feel how wonderful you feel. Feel the air, the sun on your back...This is called visualization and it can be very relaxing.

3) Learn to pamper yourself. Treat yourself as you would treat your best friend. Take a hot bath with the lights off, candles lit and soft music playing. Put perfumed oil in the tub. Perhaps afterwards you might want to air dry or splash on some cologne. Order dinner and have it delivered and serve it on beautiful china. Set a place for yourself at the table. Go clothes shopping if you are feeling good about your body or shop for something that would entertain you. Rent a movie, stress-free one that is. Call your best friend and talk about other things in life besides your illness. Discuss cooking, how lovely your flowers are coming up, etc. Listen, really listen to the other person. This will help you "stay outside of yourself." Make these kinds of things a habit and do them as often as you can. Schedule them into your life and let everyone know that this time is for you and that it needs to be protected. Set boundaries with people by taking care of your self. 

4) John Bradshaw was right. There IS a little child within each and every one of us. If we were abused or neglected as a child, we many not have been able to express this child and do things children do, feel things children feel. When is the last time you swung in a swing, or took your shoes off in the sand and wriggled your toes? What about the taste of a cherry tootsie roll pop on your tongue? Are you a chewer or a sucker? When's the last time you got out bowling or roller skating? How bout you get yourself fixed up and take yourself or your family out for dinner? Are you pressed for money? How bout a nice candle at dinner? Do you sing with your children or sing alone in the car or the shower? Do you remember any of the words?

5) Life is right NOW. Life will not begin when we recover or when we begin to recover, or when we get out of the bad relationship, or out of our dysphoria even. Life just goes on by around us. I remember when I raised my daughter, I wanted to stop time until I could feel better and THEN raise her. Not so, I'm afraid.

You are probably already asking "So HOW do we learn to relax and have fun when we are so depressed, when our families have abandoned us, when we can't seem to stop raging and let go of our anger?" I wish I was the "Shell Answer Man" with this question because NOBODY knows our pain like we do, am I right??

Well, let's see here...what do I do?? I do probably as good or worse than you do. However I have this website to remind you which reminds me what I need to focus on, to work on, what I need to accept, etc. I have to think about it before I write about it and I may as well take my own medicine.

I encourage you to read Happiness Is a Choice by Barry Neil Kaufman. We need to completely re-focus our thinking.

During those depressing days I either try to take myself away by watching a movie if I am able to concentrate or I let myself have the depression. I tell myself it is ok and there is no reason to feel guilty. I don't know why we feel guilt for feeling depressed, at least I do. I especially pamper myself at this time. I may eat something I especially like for example.

Accepting our illness means accepting being in the hospital, taking medications that make us fat, screaming at our families and apologizing later, feeling dysphoric and each and every time these things happen we need to accept this as part of our lives and quit fighting it. Just do the best you can. Everything I just mention is ok because we are doing the best we can and we know it.

I am of course not talking about acceptance to the point that we refuse things that are good for us such as certain medications, cognitive therapy, etc.

Think about it. You have fought so hard and so long just to feel normal and to not feel tremendous screaming psychic pain. Can you imagine the coping skills you have developed? Ok, so some of your skills may not be healthy but many parts of us have grown stronger. I almost giggle sometimes when others discuss their "bad" days. Give yourself some credit and pat your self on the back constantly. Don't wait for others to do it. 

Zig Ziglar Affirmation

Here is an excellent affirmation written by Zig Ziglar. well known motivational speaker and author.

"I,_______...am a person with integrity, a great attitude, and specific goals. I have a high energy level, am enthusiastic, and take pride in my appearance and what I do. I have a sense of humor, lots of faith, wisdom, and the vision and courage to use my talents effectively. 

I have character, and am a smart, talented person. My beliefs are strong, and I have a healthy self-image, a passion for what is right, and a solid hope for the future. I am an honest, sincere, and hard-working. I am tough, but fair and sensitive. I am disciplined, motivated, and focused. I am a good listener and am very patient. I am an encourager, a good-finder, and a forgiving person. I am caring, unselfish, and committed to doing the right thing.

I am family oriented, open minded, and an excellent communicator. I am a student, a teacher, and a self starter. I am obedient, loyal, responsible, and dependable. I have a servant's heart, am ambitious and a team player. I am personable, optimistic and organized. I am consistent, considerate, and resourceful.

I am intelligent, competent, persistent and creative. I am health conscious, balanced and clean. I am flexible, punctual and thrifty.

I am an honorable person who is truly grateful for the opportunity life has given me. These are the qualities of the winner I WAS BORN TO BE, and I fully intend to develop these marvelous qualities with which I have been entrusted by God.

Tonight I am going to sleep wonderfully well. I will dream powerful, positive dreams. I will awaken energized and refreshed, and tomorrow's going to be magnificent.

God, my family and my true friends love me no matter what!"

___________________________________________________________________________________________

Affirmations

JUST FOR TODAY I WILL RESPECT MY OWN AND OTHER'S BOUNDARIES

JUST FOR TODAY I WILL BE VULNERABLE WITH SOMEONE I TRUST

JUST FOR TODAY I WILL TAKE ONE COMPLIMENT AND HOLD IT IN MY HEART FOR MORE THAN JUST A FLEETING MOMENT. I WILL LET IT NURTURE ME

JUST FOR TODAY I WILL ACT IN A WAY THAT I WOULD ADMIRE IN SOMEONE ELSE

I AM A CHILD OF GOD

I AM A PRECIOUS PERSON

I AM A WORTHWHILE PERSON

I AM BEAUTIFUL INSIDE AND OUTSIDE

I LOVE MYSELF UNCONDITIONALLY

I HAVE AMPLE LEISURE TIME WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY

I DESERVE TO BE LOVED BY MYSELF AND BY OTHERS

I AM LOVED BECAUSE I DESERVE LOVE

I AM A CHILD OF GOD AND I DESERVE LOVE, PEACE, PROSPERITY AND SERENITY

I FORGIVE MYSELF FOR HURTING MYSELF AND OTHERS

I FORGIVE MYSELF FOR LETTING OTHERS HURT ME

I FORGIVE MYSELF FOR ACCEPTING SEX WHEN I WANTED LOVE

I AM WILLING TO ACCEPT LOVE

I AM NOT ALONE, I AM ONE WITH GOD AND THE UNIVERSE

I AM WHOLE AND GOOD

I AM CAPABLE OF CHANGING

THE PAIN I MIGHT FEEL BY REMEMBERING CAN'T BE ANY WORSE THAN THE PAIN I FEEL BY KNOWING AND NOT REMEMBERING

Mental Health Recovery Checklist

I have used this self-evaluation tool for my chemically dependent clients but it can be used to help anyone to evaluate their life, show how far they are into recovery for any issue and shows how to take care of themselves. I have added on new items.

During the times I lived my life in chaos, (we are talking many years), I was too busy "being chaotic" to remember to take care of myself and probably at the time didn't feel I was important enough to take care of myself. Being "sick" is a full-time job. Let's face it. I spent most of my time doing everything imaginable not to be abandoned, apologizing for my rages, and trying to put myself together enough to make it to work. 

The book Imbroglio: Rising to the Challenges of the Borderline Personality Disorder says "...the borderline appears always to function well, especially in professional or academic situations that are structured, supportive or both. Meanwhile she is binding her interior fragmentation with shoestrings, perhaps spending many, many hours crying hysterically or using self-destructive behaviors to cope."

Will you begin to recover? Of course you will! You will if you are dedicated to recovery and seek out both medical and counseling assistance.

I encourage you during your recovery process, to take this "test" at different intervals in your life

To help you evaluate your recovery needs and/or progress, please rate yourself in each area.

P. Fleener M.S.W.

Cognitive Distortions

This is list of things we tell ourselves to make us depressed, anxious, guilty or angry.

1.ALL-OR-NOTHING THINKING:

You see things in black and white categories. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.

2.OVERGENERALIZATION:

You see a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat.

3.MENTAL FILTER:

You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively so that your vision of all reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors the entire beaker of water.

4.DISQUALIFYING THE POSITIVE:

You reject positive experiences by insisting they "don't count" for some reason or another. In this way you can maintain a negative belief that is contradicted by your everyday experiences.

5.JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS:

You make a negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts that convincingly support your conclusion.

Mind Reading: You arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you, and you don't bother to check this out.

The Fortune Teller Error: You anticipate that things will turn out badly, and you feel convinced that your prediction is an already established fact.

6.MAGNIFICATION (CATASTROPHIZING) OR MINIMIZATION:

You exaggerate the importance of things (such as your goof-up or someone else's achievement) or you inappropriately shrink things until they appear tiny (your own desirable qualities or the other fellow's imperfections). This is also called the "binocular trick."

7.EMOTIONAL REASONING:

You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: "I feel it, therefore it must be true."

8.SHOULD STATEMENTS:

You try to motivate yourself with shoulds and shouldn'ts, as if you had to be whipped and punished before you could be expected to do anything. "Musts" and "oughts" are also offenders. The emotional consequence is guilt. When you direct should statements toward others, you feel anger, frustration, and resentment.

9.LABELING AND MISLABELING:

This is an extreme form of overgeneralization. Instead of describing your error, you attach a negative label to yourself: "I'm a loser." When someone else's behavior rubs you the wrong way, you attach a negative label to him: "He's a goddam louse." Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded.

10.PERSONALIZATION:

You see yourself as the cause of some negative external event which in fact you were not primarily responsible for.

From Feeling Good, by David D. Burns, M.D.

ACTIVATING EXPERIENCE OR EVENT

(I get fired, I get dumped, I get in an accident, I get embarrassed, I fail a test...)

BELIEF

When I feel bad, I need to look for my Irrational Beliefs-IB. This downward spiral contains four levels of IB

a) I will feel guilt when I believe that I must do well or win approval or else I am a rotten person.

I must have love and approval from other people.

I must prove myself capable, competent and important.

My emotional misery comes from the outside and I am powerless to control it.

When difficulties occur, I must become preoccupied and upset by these events.

My past life must influence me and I am powerless to overcome the past.

I must have order around me in order for me to function properly.

I must have others to upon which to rely and depend.

I must feel rotten when I perform poorly or when I disappoint someone.

I must believe the opinions of respected authorities and I cannot question them.

b) I will feel anger when I believe that You must act kindly, politely and considerate of me or else you are a rotten person.

People must treat others kindly and if they do not, they will surly be punished.

If others behave stupidly, they are stupid and should feel ashamed.

People must achieve their full potential as humans or else they amount to nothing.

c) I will feel depression or worry when I believe that the conditions under which I live must remain pleasant, good and/or easy so that I get most of what I want or the world turns rotten and life is not worth living.

Things must go the way I want them to go or else my life will be terrible.

When danger exists in my world, I must continually be preoccupied by that thing in order to have the power to change that thing.

I need immediate comfort and cannot go through present pain to achieve future gain.

People must act better than they usually do. If they don't, they're bad people.

If I am handicapped, I can do nothing to change it, I am defeated and I must suffer.

I am a failure if I am unable to do something.

I must have justice, fairness, equality and democracy or else life cannot be lived.

I must find correct solutions for my problems or else catastrophe will occur.

People and external events cause all my unhappiness and I am a helpless victim of circumstance. Until these things change, I cannot help but feel disturbed.

I must have some unusual or special purpose in life.

I must not feel worried, depressed, guilty, ashamed or emotionally upset.

When things are bad and there is no relief in sight, I might have to kill myself.

3) I conclude that I cannot bear, stand, or tolerate that person, thing, or event that should not have been as it is. These are the "I can't stand its"

4) I think that I (or someone else) have made and/or will continue to make horrible errors and that I (or someone else) must not act this way. Because of this, I (or someone else) deserve nothing good in life, merit damnation, and can rightfully be called a failure, a bad person, a turd. This is called "Self damning".

CONSEQUENCE

(depression, anger, embarrassment, hurt, worry...)

Disputing: Debating, Discriminating, and Defining

Just because I behaved very badly does not mean I behaved totally badly. I may feel awful but I am not an awful person.

3) Defining: This is semantic accuracy which helps me avoid overgeneralizations about my behavior. Be very careful about the words "always" and "never". They are special words and should be used accordingly. Just because I did something stupid does not mean I will always do stupid things. Statements like "I don't know how" really means "I don't want to" and "I can't" means "I won't". Emotional disturbances do not come about by wishing, wanting, hoping, or desiring, but by commanding, demanding and absolute insistencies that take away the leeway of want versus "I can't live without it and I will never be happy until I get it."

Since we feel the way we think, we can control our feelings by confronting our iB at point D."

EFFECT

This is the goal of "D" - a new philosophy toward life. I can think my way through a situation rather than be ripped apart by my feelings. I do not ignore my feelings as they are crucial to understand where I am at and they give me a place from which to move. The goal is to think accurately which will make us feel good. There is freedom in the truth.

Ellis (1977) Handbook of RET